no right angles

"As for minute joys: as I was saying: Do you realize the illicit sensuous delight I get from picking my nose? I always have, ever since I was a child. There are so many subtle variations of sensation. A delicate, pointed-nail fifth finger can catch under dry scabs and flakes of mucous in the nostril and draw them out to be looked at, crumbled between fingers, and flicked to the floor in minute crusts. Or a heavier, determined forefinger can reach up and smear down-and-out the soft, resilient, elastic freenish-yellow smallish blobs of mucous, roll them round and jellylike between thumb and forefinger, and spread them on the under surface of a desk or chair where they will harden into organic crusts. How many desks and chair have I thus secretively befouled since childhood? Or sometimes there will be blood mingled with the mucous: in dry brown scabs, or bright sudden wet red on the finger that scraped too rudely the nasal membranes. God, what a sexual satisfaction! It is absorbing to look with sudden eyes on the old worn habits: to see a sudden luxurious and pestilential 'snot-green sea,' and shiver with the shock of recognition."

This is one of my favorite paragraphs in the English language. I'm not sure what that really says about me, but I think it's beautifully written. It comes from Sylvia Plath's journals. I read a lot of Plath when I was in high school. I think that's a good time in one's life to read her. Then maybe again in middle age. She just made a lot of sense to me at that time in my life. Her mind is understandable and her depression is crippling, but beautifully written.

I don't know. I'm not much for writing. Not really. Sometimes I have thoughts that I want to write, but they come out scattered and un-pretty. I think that's why I enjoy reading so much. Why I tend to prefer listening instead of talking, about things and ideas that are important. I just like to absorb the genius of others and hope that maybe one day it will rub off on me.

I've been seeing a lot of movies lately. That's all there really is to do around these parts. It's either shopping, drinking, or seeing movies. I think the last is at least the least mind-numbing (depending on the film). So far they've all turned out well.

My mother, aunt, and I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Christmas. It was beautiful, and just like all the advertisements say, like nothing I had ever seen on screen. It was captivating and it made me think about life, death, aging, and the meaning of our time on earth. More on that later.

My relatives from KC came down for our annual family Christmas extravaganzaa, and we saw Marley and Me as a family. It didn't make me ask questions and it wasn't anything intellectual, but it was cute and made me cry. I've become a real sucker for those sappy, incredibly obvious movie plots. I can't help it.

Then on Monday, I met up with Jewell friends (hooray!) for Chipotle and a movie. We saw The Reader. I really enjoyed it. It was really kind of depressing and everyone in the story was broken, but it was good nonetheless. I know that I liked it, but I can't put my finger on why. For some reason, the story didn't pull me in completely, so I'm not sure exactly what it made me feel. Maybe I felt nothing, and I just enjoyed watching it. Don't know.

Death, life, aging, legacies. These words have been around me quite a bit. After Benjamin Button, family was around talking about the past, telling stories (of which I had one to contribute-later*), being lively. My sister's family is fresh and new with a big future. In my life, I feel like I'm getting ready to leap off a pedestal into the unknown: adulthood. Then on NPR today, Talk of the Nation had a segment about the people who died in 2008 who left behind some kind of legacy.

I know that it's selfish but I want to make sure that I leave something behind. I kind of think it's human nature to want to be remembered. It makes you feel immortal in a way. That's good and bad in different ways. I don't know. I find that's my answer more and more these days, I don't know.

What I do know is that it's New Year's Eve! I'm excited and terrified about what 2009 has in store for me. It's going to be an adventure! That's going to be my new outlook. I guess that's kind of a resolution, along with reading more for pleasure. Bring it on.

*My story is this: on the 4th of July, my uncle gave me this HUGE bundle thing of fireworks to set off. I was at Morgan's house for the celebration and it was obvious that this display was going to be too large to set off around other houses, etc. So, we decided to relocate to the Quad. We set of this huge thing, and after the first explosion, we ran for it, back to Morgan's. It was spectacular. My uncle couldn't believe that we did this, but after I told him, he remarked that I really must be his niece, which makes me feel like I really do belong in my family.

it's that time of year

I'm back at home now. For Christmas. I find that each time I come home, it feels less and less like home. At least the house does. It just feels like the place where my mother lives her life. My stuff is just sortof around. Strangely, the dynamic between us is always the same. It's almost like, no matter what we were doing previously, we revert back to what we were the last time we were together. It's hard to explain.

I'm glad to be here, but I just feel so stuck. I'm different here. Maybe better, maybe worse. I guess everything just looks different from this side of the state.

As much as I love winter time, it's turbulent. Some of my best and worst memories have to do with the winter (I'm really into memories. They can make or break everything). It's hard when it comes around each year because I can feel it creeping in. It's a slow progression. There's generally not a lot I can do about it, but I'm going to do my best this year.

In addition, I'm a planner, and not knowing what I'm going to do next isn't helping. I want to be exciting and spontaneous and have adventures, but I'm bad at that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll make the best of it, maybe I should just revel in the uncertainty of it all. Maybe that's the approach I'll take. At least it's a start.

Despite how hard this semester was, I was proud of how well I kept it together. I didn't stress too much the majority of the time and was able to have a blast. I actually think that I made some memories this smester that will have trumped the other years. Oh man. I love my friends. I love Jewell.

I've really been into Hafiz lately:

God

and I have become

Like two giant fat people

Living in a Tiny boat.

We Keep Bumping into each other and

L

A

U

G

H

I

N

G .
- Hafiz

I should stop now. This is a little too dramatic for me.

I love it when a song comes on the radio or on itunes shuffle and you haven't heard it in quite a while. As soon as it plays you instantly remember the first time you heard it, or maybe something really great that happened while you were listening to it. It's definitely one of my favorite life pleasures. If it's a good memory of course. Memorable:

• Nearly any Weezer song reminds me of hanging out at Chris's house in high school. First semi-legitimate parties, etc. As well as the first time I listened to Jimi Hendrix (Foxy Lady-I'll never foget Ben singing).
• Ben Folds- Riding in the car with Bryce, Colleen, Ben, Mike, and Andy. Usually being up to no good. And of course our infamous road trips.
• Creep, Radiohead- Also riding with Bryce, Colleen, Ben, Mike, and Andy. And Bonnaroo.
• Hoppipolla, Sigur Ros- Hanging out in the physics library with Ryan and Andrew and watching the music video for the first time. I was an insta-fan.
• Ten Thousand Lines, Electric President- Also with Ryan and Andrew. Just driving North from Andrew's house after setting off \coke-bottle bombs.
• Like Castanets, Bishop Allen- First time I ever heard them I was en route to seeing Regina Spektor with Morgan.
• Regina Spektor- Driving home with Katie and Anna. Also insta-fan.
• Cupid, Sam Cooke- Riding in the car with my mother after kindergarten. I knew all the words.
• My Love, Petula Clark- Same as above.

Good times.

time machine

I want a time machine to start college over. I'm not ready for this graduation, real-life, get a job business.

And I would make changes. I would definitely have a different major. Math and physics all the way. None of this biology business either.

A-Punk

I've recently decided that the only things that really make sense in my life right now are math and chemistry. And maybe music.

Math, for example, just makes a ridiculous amount of sense. You start out by defining a set of numbers according to a specific question. Maybe it's regarding the behavior of a fluid, a recent polling statistic, or the specifics of a business. A while later, after some rearranging, substituting, etc. you have the answer to the question. It's so much easier than using words, because the meaning of the numbers doesn't change. There's no need to read between the lines. It's also more practical than words and it takes up less space.

Since chemistry is based on math, logically it makes a great deal of sense too. Math and physics laws dictate the behavior of molecules, which explains so much.

Music only makes sense because it doesn't have to. Music exists as a momentary emotion, but the beauty of it is that the emotion can be replayed. Re-experienced. Anytime, anyplace.

This is how I've been feeling the past few weeks. I'm hardening.

agreed

"The particular field which excites my interest is the division between the living and the non-living, as typified by, say, proteins, viruses, bacteria and the structure of chromosomes. The eventual goal, which is somewhat remote, it the description of these activities in terms of their sturcture, i. e., the spatial distribution of their constituent atoms, in so far as this may prove possible. This might be called the chemical physics of biology."

-Francis Crick


This week is fairly light. Of course that means that I should be working on Grad school stuff and the like. We'll see how that goes.

Friday is Halloween. I think I'm going to see TV on the Radio. They are giving a free concert at the P&L in KC. Sweet.

worst weather ever

School. Senior year so far is overwhelming. There is a lot of pressure. Pressure to do your best in classes. Pressure to enjoy this last year with your closest friends before you get scattered. Pressure to go on to amazing things next year. Pressure to know what you're doing with your life. Pressure to be an adult and understand things.

There's a lot going on in my mind these days. I'm not ready for the next phase. At least I don't feel ready. I feel like there's a lot I still need to do. The list never ends.

P-Chem is crazy. Theoretical science blows my mind with how well it can explain such realistic events. I still can't get over the fact that humidity makes air less dense. Insane. In the membrane.

Off to shuffleboard.

young pilgrims

I browsed blogs earlier and noticed a few trends:

1. Too many families have blogs. Poeple are posting their daily musings for the world to see. Johnny finally made the football team. I'm so glad we just potty trained Sally and here's how we did it. I wander if people really read about the Smiths and the McAllisters and the Joneses.

2. There are quite a few blogs of olympic athletes with pictures of the games and the medals. That's pretty interesting. It's weird how accessible the games have become.

3. Lots of beautiful (and then semi creepy) photos.

it started out as a feeling, and then grew into a hope.

Once again. Things never change, even when they seem different. Especially when they seem different. I hate that I'm so affected. This shouldn't matter. But it does.

come on bartender...just a little more tender

I think we'll always be in contact. We have been in touch for this long, 15 years. I guess we'll just see how things pan out. Maybe it will work out.

where are the folding funnels?

http://www.wiley.com/legacy/college/boyer/0470003790/animations/protein_folding/protein_folding.htm

I went to see the new X-Files movie today. It was alright. It reminded me a lot of earlier episodes, in which the main focus was the actual case. But there was still a fair share of personal drama. I guess Moulder and Scully are together? And what happened with the info that was released in the last film? The global conspiracy? Where do we stand?

Anyway, there was a trailer for this movie, Babylon A.D. Throughout the entire trailer, the only music playing was the title song from Requiem for a Dream. That's all I could think about the entire time I was watching it. It's the exact same song. I don't understand how that's allowed. But I love that music.

pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light

I really hope things are different this time. I feel like maybe I deserve it. Maybe. Don't I?

something interesting

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/15/science/15tier.html?pagewanted=2&ei=5070&en=00d756ac7c85f4ac&ex=1216785600&emc=eta1

Interesting article that a friend of mine emailed me about the potential for Title IX in science. At Jewell I think that there isn't too much discrimination in the BIO/CHEM departments and most students are actually female. I do believe there is some sexism on the part of a few faculty members. It's frustrating, but manageable I guess.

Personally, the only time I've experienced this kind of discrimination was at camp. Some of our male staff had a problem with me being in charge. I hate to be that person who just assumes that it's sexism because I'm a woman, but there was no other explanation. They listened to other males, but would blatantly ignore instructions that I gave them.

I'm not sure this type of problem will ever be solved. This article points out that some of these measures will actually make things worse and I couldn't agree more. I think there needs to be a balance of men and women in most fields of work (but with equal pay). I don't know what to do to make that happen, but hopefully someone does.

i might be a big fish in a little pond.

I'm feeling quite stuck right now. I'm at the proverbial crossroads.

I don't want to go home. I want to stay in KC right now. Be with my friends, feel like I have a purpose, like I have things to do. I want to go away to graduate school in Chicago. Carve out something for myself there. Maybe move there for good. I want to travel the world. I've set my goal to step foot on every continent and I'm aching to get started.

But, my family is still in St. Louis/St. Charles. And I love my family. I couldn't live without them in my life. They are my rock. I want to be around to continue to get closer to my sister and be a great role model for my niece and nephew (who's also my godson). I want to be there for them when they need me. I want to teach them things about the world that they won't learn in school or from a book. I want to see them growing, not through pictures, but with my eyes. And I want to be there for my mom as she starts the next phase of her life. I owe her everything.

I guess the dilemma is that they are the only reason for me to stay in that area. I don't see a lot of job potential, or even potential for my own life. When I'm home and not with family, I feel a little useless and empty. Something holds me back there, and prevents me from doing what I want. It's like baggage. I don't understand it. Even when I work it only feels like a temporary distraction.

I don't know what to do. I need to find a balance, but I'm not sure what that means.

Now I'm going to celebrate this remarkable day of Independence with beer and explosives.

first one

Hooray. I think I have too many of these things to count now. What's one more? Hopefully I'll remember to stick with this one and put up pictures and articles and stuff. Guess I'll find out.

I'm still in KC right now; I'm sticking around for the 4th. We never do anything at home for the holiday anyway. Saturday I'm heading home for the remainder of the summer. I guess it'll be ok. I'll be making money and hanging out with my growing family. Tyler's baptism is the first weekend in August and I can't wait to be a godmother!

There are several friends that I probably won't see for a long time after tomorrow. That really makes me sad, so I'm trying not to think about it.

I read in an article yesterday that city workers in Birmingham are going to shorten their work week down to four days in order to save energy. It's an interesting idea, but I don't think I fully understand.

I leave you with Demetri Martin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HimlGFmKx0g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTsnDlpmE4w&feature=related