Friday, July 4, 2008

i might be a big fish in a little pond.

I'm feeling quite stuck right now. I'm at the proverbial crossroads.

I don't want to go home. I want to stay in KC right now. Be with my friends, feel like I have a purpose, like I have things to do. I want to go away to graduate school in Chicago. Carve out something for myself there. Maybe move there for good. I want to travel the world. I've set my goal to step foot on every continent and I'm aching to get started.

But, my family is still in St. Louis/St. Charles. And I love my family. I couldn't live without them in my life. They are my rock. I want to be around to continue to get closer to my sister and be a great role model for my niece and nephew (who's also my godson). I want to be there for them when they need me. I want to teach them things about the world that they won't learn in school or from a book. I want to see them growing, not through pictures, but with my eyes. And I want to be there for my mom as she starts the next phase of her life. I owe her everything.

I guess the dilemma is that they are the only reason for me to stay in that area. I don't see a lot of job potential, or even potential for my own life. When I'm home and not with family, I feel a little useless and empty. Something holds me back there, and prevents me from doing what I want. It's like baggage. I don't understand it. Even when I work it only feels like a temporary distraction.

I don't know what to do. I need to find a balance, but I'm not sure what that means.

Now I'm going to celebrate this remarkable day of Independence with beer and explosives.

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