Aging

Today at work I spent a good ten minutes daydreaming about what I would look like when I'm 75. I still can't really imagine it.

I don't like admitting when my life isn't going in the direction I think it should. I don't like submitting to the idea that things are less than ideal. I've always been optimistic and blissfully looking towards the future.

Well, my friends, my life isn't going quite how I had anticipated it would post-Jewell. It's hard to write.

I am not excited about my current job. I don't particularly enjoy getting up before the sun and heading to a place to do something that I'm not passionate about.

I think in my life so far I've always done things that I have been excited or passionate about. And that has kept me going. This time I'm doing something that, really, I have to do. At least for now. It's all very surreal. I haven't had this type of experience before.

I have been blessed to have little tragedy in my life. Granted there have been bad times and things that I have struggled with, but it has always seemed that there was a light at the end of the tunnel...something new and better was coming along to look forward to. It feels a little like that is missing right now. I know that I will not be at this place forever (honestly, I might not be here in six months), but somehow it still feels like the end for some reason.

I think part of it stems from Jewell as well. So much is expected out of students. Lead, serve, achieve. I felt kind of like a (somewhat) big fish in a (kind of small) pond. It's assumed that even more amazing this are going to happen immediately upon graduation. I feel a little bit like I've let Jewell down. I guess I romanticized my next step and I feel like I've fallen short somehow.

There are good things going on in my life and I need to remind myself of them. I HAVE A JOB. Two jobs, actually. I feel selfish whining about not having a job that I love, when there are literally millions of Americans who can't find any work. Not only is it a job, but I'm using my degree. Be thankful.

I do love working at the coffeeshop. It's a blast. I love my co-workers and my customers. I love Westport.

I love Jacob's Well. Even though Pastor Tim is gone, there is so much for me there. Small groups, second saturdays, potlucks... I also just bought Mike's cd. I love it! It's like being at JW wherever I go.

And the community center that I recently joined. I'm taking yoga starting next week.

So, I need to stop dwelling on what's getting me down and look out and ahead. I'm only 23 with a lot left to give (new mantra).


|As the eternal optimist, I am planning my next move(s). I'm going to take my GRE again soon and apply to grad schools for the fall of next year. I need some research in my life.