things are what you make of them

I went to Half-Priced Books in Westport today to replace my copy of Luther's Small Catechism. While I was there I browsed the science section and noticed that they had several copies of textbooks that I used at Jewell for $7.98. I think from now on, I'm only going to buy books at Half-Priced Books.

Then I went for lunch at Chipotle on 39th. Chipotle is one of the few places that I feel totally comfortable eating alone because they have a counter by the window. The counter makes it easier to eat alone because there aren't extra chairs at the table mocking you. When I walked in I saw that Mike from JW was there, but I'm not really friends with him so I didn't say hi. He's also a lot cooler than I am, which sometimes makes him intimidating to approach. I took Blue Like Jazz (also: bringing a book to read is fun when you are eating alone) and had it sitting next to my food. A lady stopped me while I was eating to tell me that she was also reading BLJ and loved it. She said she's been reading it for two months, very slowly, because she doesn't want it to end. I thought that was pretty neat. I love it when things like that happen. It's just nice to know that there are some strangers out there who are willing to connect with you, even just for a minute to share that they are reading the same book.

can't stand it

So, it's time for a real post.

Yesterday I got my 'Welcome to Columbia' packet via FedEx. It has apartment guides and a directory for services in Columbia. I'm feeling so conflicted. In the middle. So happy. And unhappy. I am so excited to get back to school and move to Columbia...start something new, etc. After so much rejection, it feels good to have this kind of validation. But, I'm sad too. I hate leaving things. Endings. Goodbyes. I know that this is really dramatic because honestly I'm moving in between the two most important cities to me. But still.

I have been blessed beyond measure by Jacob's Well. The people there have been warm and welcoming. Encouraging and supportive. I know I've only had friends there for about 6 months, but these friendships are already very dear to me. At JW I have been challenged intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. My faith has grown exponentially. Which is great, but it makes me nervous. I'm afraid that I won't find that in Columbia. And if I don't find it, I'm afraid what will happen to that growth. I know that church does not equate spirituality, but I'm nervous that without the people to support and encourage...I don't know what will happen, but can't imagine it'd be good.

I know for sure that I am ready to leave my job. I'm honestly starting to really dislike it. For a variety of reasons, but I'm just ready to be finished. It's a lot like senioritis, especially since I know I'm getting ready to move on to something I'm passionate about.

So, I started reading Blue Like Jazz recently. Honestly I went into it thinking I was going to hate it. Not sure why exactly, but that's how I felt. It has completely surpassed any of my previous judgements. I can't put it down anymore. It has caused me to really reflect on the mission of my life and I've been realizing a lot of new things. No offense, but those are subjects for my private journal. Just note that I would now recommend it.

I can't stop listening to Wilco. I'm mean, I've been listening to them regularly since high school, but lately there has been some kind of new quality about them that I just can't get enough of. It's rediscovery at it's finest. Not only do I love the music itself, but the lyrics really mean something to my life right now. They are the kind of lyrics that you get, but don't really understand at the same time. That doesn't really make sense, but it's the only way for me to describe it.

I'm completely in love with golden raisins and avocados. I've been putting them on everything. But not together.

a mellow good time

I'm officially going to Mizzou. I decided last week and am just waiting on the official paperwork from the school. Wowza.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Espana. I'm sooo excited! And a little nervous because I haven't really traveled by myself, or without someone more experienced. BAH!

april 17, 2009

I've started wondering if there is a breed of people who are love-observers. They are people who see love all around them: dear friends, close family, even other couples, etc. But they don't have romantic love in their own lives. They can let the love of others fill them up and as such they don't realize they're lacking. On those rare days when they do, it can devastating for approximately 24 hours. Then they see the rest of the love out there and are happy once again.

ashes of american flags

Sometimes I feel lame because I typically only write stuff here about what happens in my life. I usually don't write much that is thought-provoking. It's just episodes from my fairly mundane life. I save that other stuff for my real journal. No offense. I'm just terribley afraid of being judged.

Since I got the disclaimer out of the way, here's the latest headline: I GOT AN OFFER FOR GRAD SCHOOL FROM MIZZOU! There are no words to express how happy I am. Happy isn't even the emotion for the occasion....it's more akin to complete and utter joy. But that might not actually capture it either.

I just feel so validated. Like I have a direction again. I think these past 8 months have been the hardest in my life so far. And I really mean that. After all of my disappointments, I was seriously losing my focus and my sense of self.

I think this was all meant to be. I think I need a radical shift in my outlook on life and that is definitely what this time out of college has done. Despite the fact that I am going back into the school environment, I will not be looking through the same glasses (quite literally since I have a new prescription).

I'm bad at coming up with the words to explain all of this at the moment. I'm a little better at it in person.

On a lighter note, it blows my mind that in just a few months I will be on track to get my PhD. Oh yeah, that's right, my PhD. Charles what now? I can't believe that when I come through this I'll be Dr. Collins. While this is all good and exciting, I'm having a little trouble keeping it in check. I'm finding myself wanting to tell people that I got in to school, just so they think I'm smart...which is not a healthy path to start.

I have an interview at KU in a few weeks. I don't really want to go. I just want to move to Columbia tomorrow. Oh and I'm going to a little country called Spain in two weeks and two days.

Goin' On

Wide open spaces. That's where my gaze is directed...at least figuratively.

So much is about to happen, that if I stop and think about it, I lose my breath a little. Granted, it's an exciting kind of overwhelming, but overwhelming nonetheless.

In the next six weeks or so I have two grad school interviews, one international vacation, one grad school app due, one education program app due, two standardized tests relating to said education program, a teaching internship, and I could be moving into a house (well, this one's more like a few months away). Bah!

Only one thing is (hopefully) official for my future: by the end of the year I will no longer have my current job. It has turned out to be much better than I originally anticipated, but it is not a place that I can thrive in. I am grateful for the skills I've learned and I think they'll definitely help me in the future.

There's more that I want to say, but it's not coming out well right now. Hopefully I'll feel more inspired a little later.

Via Chicago

The building where I work is located right next to Kansas City Power & Light, which is KC's electric plant. The major window of the lab looks out onto their giant coal pile, which is usually a little depressing for a variety of reasons. But, now that there is so much snow...it's kind of pretty. They used a little bulldozer to get off some snow at the top, making it black again and now it looks like a small mountain. So, now when I look out the window, I can imagine that I'm in a much sweeter location, like the Andes, or Alps.

For an adventure update. In approximately seven weeks I will be here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/65/2007-12-18-04706-02_Spain_Almeria.jpg

Get jealous.