tamed by rock n' roll

Beth/Rest

2011-11-13T06:54:00.001-08:00

Friends, I'm sure you have all realized this by now, but seriously Spotify has got to be one of the most amazing musical concepts ever. I LOVE it.

It has, for example, allowed me to listen to tons of amazing and great albums that I'd love to buy, but I can't now because I don't have any more fun money. And it has taught me that there are some albums that I thought I would want to buy, but really probably shouldn't. All with severely limited commercial interruption.

Based solely on a Spotify commercial, I was informed that the artists still get profits from this site. I'm not sure if that's true or not, but if it is, I feel much less guilty using it.

Spotify has let me realize that I love Bon Iver. I mean, I always new that I sort of like him, and that I should probably get his latest album (Bon Iver) at some point, but now that I can listen to the whole thing, I'm in love with him.

Thank you Spotify.

attaboy

2011-11-02T20:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know, I know...it's been too long. I'm working on it. Promise.

BIG NEWS: I'm learning the mandolin! I know you're jealous, right? So far it's going pretty well and I'm taking lessons with a local musician. I didn't know until I started this little adventure that the mandolin is strung the same as a violin and since I play the viola it's not too much of a stretch. I can pick up melodies fast...but the whole strumming thing is much harder than I anticipated. But I'm excited to see where this will take me!

Speaking of mandolins and such, here is a great new album for you: http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/the-goat-rodeo-sessions/id462842867 It's from Yo-Yo Ma, Stuart Duncan, Edgar Meyer, and Chris Thile. Incredible. I don't think you have to be into bluegrass or folk music to like it either. It's a great blend-y sort of mash-up of these types of music with a little Celtic and classical for some spice. Go listen. Now.

How you like me now?

2011-07-23T10:50:00.000-07:00

I seriously need to start picking up the pace! Summer's officially in full swing as evidenced by a nearly-crippling heat wave. Anyway, to the tunes!

I've been hearing a song on lots of commercials and movies lately and so I investigated it. I found a video on Youtube by a British band called The Heavy (oh and the song is called "How You Like Me Now?"). It's a great song, lots of energy and kind of a neo-soul groovy sound (not unlike The Black Keys). I really love it. So, I did some more digging on iTunes and it looks like this album came out in 2009...how did I miss it?? I don't know if this band is working on anything new anytime soon, but I sure hope so. I guess I'll just tide myself over with that 2009 album, The House That Dirt Built.

In other news, and speaking of The Black Keys, they are said to have finished recording their next album and are not just in the last stages of mixing. I'm seriously hoping it's done by the end of the year.

In other, other news, I know that this isn't a book blog, but I need to share what I've been reading. I recently started Winter's Bone by Daniel Woodrell and omg I love it. I heard all the hype about the movie and then subsequently never saw it, but recently I saw the book and decided to pick it up. It's a great story that really draws you in. And I love that a local (well, from the Ozarks in MO) author has gotten so much attention.

I've also been reading The Feminine Mystique and getting in touch with my feminist side. There are parts that I'm not sure I totally agree with, but I still think this book should be required reading for women everywhere. Very interesting stuff.

Until next time...

The 2011 Roo Recap

2011-06-18T11:19:00.000-07:00

Oh goodness. One week ago I was camping on a farm in the Tennessee heat and listening to some of the best live music around. I thought I'd highlight a few of my favorite performances.

The Walkmen. I saw this band perform one night in Columbia, but they were not really at the top of their game. They were have some audio issues and were clearly affected by it. So it was really refreshing to see them perform at their best while at Bonnaroo. This was one of the first shows that I went to and it was a fantastic way to start the weekend!

Jessica Lea Mayfield. I had never heard of her before, but my friend and I were wasting a little time and wandered over to her tent. She has a great country drawl when she sings and her songs are very heartfelt. She put on a good show.

Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. Wowza. No one puts on a show quite like Grace Potter. She puts herself all in and it works. She's a little bit kooky and a little crazy but she is amazing. They played the perfect mix of old and new songs and they also covered White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane. My friend and I got up pretty close to the stage, so it was great.

Lil Wayne. This show started out pretty fun but unfortunately we had to leave early because my friend got sick. I heard it was fun, so I wish we could have stayed...oh well.

The Black Keys. OhEmGee. This was amazing for me. I made one of those good/bad choices and actually went to this show by myself. My Bonnaroo buddy needed some more shut-eye. But, there was no way in hell that I was going to miss this show! And it was actually ridiculously fun to go alone. I was able to dance like a fool without caring who was watching me. I got a really great spot to watch too. The Black Keys put on a great performance; they played a perfect mix of old and new. They are just so damn sexy...their songs and the way they sing...bah it's great. Probably my favorite moments of the weekend.

The Head and The Heart. Another great show. This band has really grown on me. The band was so excited just to be at Bonnaroo and that energy definitely made it into their performance. Such fun.

Overall a great weekend...this is only a smattering of my experience. My friend and I are looking forward to our next festival. Probably not Bonnaroo, but something equally awesome.

cats and dogs

2011-05-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

Oh friends (all 10 of you according to Blogger), guess what? I passed my qualifying exam!! I'm starting to think this whole Ph.D thing could be a reality. Wowza. That means it's officially summertime! I have some big plans this summer-trips to Tennessee and DC, maybe a float trip, lotsa music, lab Thursday Funday, reading for pleasure, and maybe joining the Columbia community symphony.

Anyway, let's chat tunes. I haven't had much time to check out anything new because I've been studying so freaking much, so I'm afraid I don't have much to report.

I've been listening to quite a bit of The Head and the Heart during my studies and I have to say they have grown on me a lot. At the first listen, there were definitely several stand out tunes (Down in the Valley, Lost in My Mind), but overall I wasn't impressed. I liked the folksy, acoustic-y vibe and I really love the lead singer's voice (Josiah Johnson)...it has a really nice husky quality. But many of the songs feature a sort of jazzy piano part that honestly I found a little cheesy. Over time the songs have really grown on me though. I still think some of the piano can be toned down (maybe even left out) because the lyrics and harmonies can carry the rest. But, I'm not a producer.

I've added two more concerts to my summer! Toots and the Maytals are stopping by The Blue Note next week for a free show on 9th Street (part of their Summerfest). Then in July I'm going to swing by the Pageant for The Fleet Foxes with a dear friend from undergrad.

Stay tuned for my upcoming Bonnaroo Preview Playlist.

lost in my mind

2011-05-15T15:52:00.000-07:00

Hi friends, I'm extremely sorry about my hiatus. In approximately a week and a half I will take what is arguably the most important exam of my academic career. I have been stuffing my brain with biochemistry for the last month and now I'm attempting to pump myself up for this terrifying experience.

Anyway, all of my motivation to keep on keepin' on is music-based. Of course Bonnaroo is keeping me focused. I recently got my ticket in the mail and the schedule is officially up! So excited! Can't wait to report back to you about all of the great performances!

Without further ado, here are a couple of that I've been listening to:
Fleet Foxes, Helplessness Blues- Such a great follow-up to there last record.
Nicki Bluhm, Driftwood- A great new find! Bluhm is kind of a folksy, bluesy, acoustic-y gal. Her husband Tim joins her on several of the songs which really balances it out.
Toots and the Maytals, Reggae got Soul- Classic Toots. He's a legend in the Reggae world and this album is a great intro into the genre. If you haven't really listened to Reggae, this is a great place to start.

roman's revenge

2011-03-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

Today's been a hip-hop sort of day.

Favorite new duo: Chiddy Bang. These two have been likened to "a hipster's wet dream," which I find hilarious...because I think it's kind of true. Chidera "Chiddy" Anamege provides the ryhmes and Noah "Xaphoon Jones" Beresin lays down the beats. But they aren't just any beats...oh no. Chiddy raps over samples of popular songs, often of the indie persuasion. Opposite of Adults, a single off their album samples MGMT's Kids. He even raps over Sufjan's Chicago on the track All Things Go. It's definitely an eclectic sound/style, but they're not really the first one's to come up with it. Still it's a fresh take on this type of genre and it's definitely a good place to start if you are just getting into hip-hop (i.e. it's easier to swallow that say, gangsta rap).

Next up: Nicki Minaj. I have recently discovered that I LOVE Miss Minaj. I really can't put my finger on what I love so much about her, but I'll try. She just has this kind of larger-than-life persona and all of her songs are performances. They're stories. Her parents fought a lot when she was younger and so she used to make up alter egos to forget about it. Now she has put them to good use and uses them throughout her lyrics. She has put out mixed tapes and demos for years, but her first full-length studio album came out just recently. I think it's pretty great. It's not my favorite type of music but it's fun to jam to.

There is so much great music coming out this spring...I'm so excited! But I'm also a little sad because that means my wallet's going to take a hit. Oh well. Keep a look out for new stuff from: Panda Bear, TV on the Radio, and Fleet Foxes. Oh my.

white rabbit

2011-03-03T19:21:00.000-08:00

So, I thought that I would just post some videos that I've been into lately. The first is the Jefferson Airplane cover, White Rabbit, from Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. I really love her soulful voice. It's classic rock n' roll.

Second, we have Wanda Jackson, rockabilly legend. She has this interesting voice that sounds a little worse for the wear, but hey, she's 73 and still going at it. She was kind of a big deal during the height of the original rock n' roll. This latest collaboration with Jack White is pretty neat.

Finally, Lady Gaga's Born this way. Ok, here's my take on LG: I think it's great that she loves being completely out there and pushing boundaries, etc etc. I really do. And I think she has/is doing great work for gay rights. And I love her songs...they are catchy, upbeat, and fun to dance to. But something about her videos gets on my nerves. I think she seems to take them so seriously that it's a little comic. This one's a doozy. The constellation uterus in the beginning and the weird/gross birth scenes freak me out. I do like the song though. Also...get your science right..."mitosis of the future" doesn't make sense.

In case you were wondering, the first two of these artists will be at Bonnaroo. And I. Can't. Wait.

Also, in academic news, I have decided on the lab(s) for my Ph.D. Sa-weet.

paper cup

2011-02-19T21:07:00.000-08:00

Today I bought my ticket for Bonnaroo X 2011.

A friend of mine from school and I decided that in order to help motivate us to study for our qualifying exams we should go to Bonnaroo. The festival is about a week after the exams, so hopefully we both will pass and then go celebrate!

Looks like a pretty good lineup.

Now just keep your fingers crossed that I pass.

sigh no more

2011-02-17T20:05:00.000-08:00

I have kind of a love/hate relationship with Mumford & Sons.

Their debut record, Sigh No More, has gotten mixed reviews. Pitchfork only gave it a 2.1, other online music websites have given lukewarm reviews, but I do have a lot of other friends with respectable taste who like it. So, I bought it.

At first listen it's pleasant. The songs are mostly upbeat, catchy and full of pretty solid harmonies. Some of the first songs have interesting crescendos and they're emotionally charged. They are talented instrumentalists as well...I really dig the banjo parts. So I thought maybe I liked them.

Then I kept listening. And I thought for a second that iTunes was on repeat. But it wasn't...the songs just sound the same. Those lovely harmonies that first peaked my interest grew tired and kind of sad, the crescendos and the raw emotional became predictable.

This leaves me at a crossroads since I do like some of the songs. I really like their style too; they're cute. And honestly, Marcus Mumford great alliterative name. Enjoy this video...they are great performers.

Comfy in Nautica

2011-02-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

This week has been a historic one for mid-MO. We got 18" of snow in less than 24 hours and nearly an inch of ice as well. MU will have been closed for three days by the end of this week...which I'm told might be a record.

Unfortunately my type of work is not conducive to snow days, even more so since I live about 0.13mi from campus. I did take one snow day yesterday, but I'm back in lab today. In order to make it more exciting, I bought some new tunes to pass the time, of course!

First up, I decided to buy Panda Bear's Person Pitch. I'm not sure why I hadn't bought it before since I love Animal Collective (Panda Bear is Noah Lennox, founding member of AC). I've only listened to it a couple of times, so I really don't have much to say except that I like it. It's exactly you would expect to get from Lennox (it gets weird to keep writing 'Panda Bear').

I also bought The Walkmen's Lisbon. Honestly my motivation for this is a little skewed. I have some other stuff by them and I've always thought it was ok, but never gave it too much credit. Well, I found out yesterday that both The Walkmen and The New Pornographers are coming to The Blue Note in April. I love TNP and thought it would be cool to see them with The Walkmen and after a little searching I realized they had released a new album in '10. I checked it out and I really like it. It's a solid album. I've only listened to this a few times too, so again, I can't really expand on it now.

Stay tuned to see if I make it to the show (fingers-crossed)!

The King is Dead

2011-01-21T15:25:00.000-08:00

I have to admit that it's been a while since I have thoroughly enjoyed an entire album...each and every song. But then I bought the latest from Portland's own The Decemberists, The King is Dead. And I love the entire thing. I really don't think there is a single song that isn't as good as the rest. Don't Carry It All is probably my favorite, but they are all good.

This album is the hallmark of real musical talent. They have proven that it pays off to grow and change as artists. This album is very clearly Decemberists: it's very clean, each song has a 'crafted' sound, it has Colin Meloy's unique vocals, etc. But it's new: it sounds very much like a classic rock-folk album, which is a departure from previous records. Many of the tracks were produced by Tucker Martine who has worked with some great folks, so it's really no surprise that this is a hit.

Listen and soak it up. Now.

winter winds

2010-12-31T08:36:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break for an obligatory New Year's post.

Two thousand and ten. What a year! At this time last year it nearly didn't register to me that the year was about to end. I had to work both on New Year's eve and the first day of 2010. I didn't have time to reflect on what 2009 meant to me, or to plan goals for 2010. Honestly, I had such a dismal end to 2009, that it didn't seem worth it to think about what lay ahead. Maybe it's good that I did it that way...I didn't have a lot of expectations for 2010, so it was easy to exceed them! And boy did this year come through for me. Here are some highlights:

January: Finished up my grad school applications and got accepted to a science teaching certification program. I spent most of my time digging my car out of the snow.

February: Biggest month of the year...got invited to recruitment weekends at two research universities (I only went to one) and was subsequently accepted into their program. And then I went on a great trip with a best friend to Spain! I thawed out, went to the beach, ate my weight in churros, drank dark coffee and danced all night.

April: I left my job!! It was such a relief to get out of there. Then I saw The Flaming Lips for the first time in KC. It was a little ridiculous how sad I was to leave the city that has nurtured my adulthood, but I had to move.

May: ROAD TRIP! Two of my best friends and I went on a great little trip to Notre Dame, Chicago, and then back to KC. Epic fun.

June: I moved into my very own apartment which was pretty terrifying. I also got back into the lab, which at first was daunting. I started second-guessing my choice to go to school.

August: School started! I was really glad to get back into classes again and I started a really great rotation.

September: I had a wedding and I saw The Flaming Lips again, all in the same weekend. Pretty spectacular.

October: Also an epic month...I saw Sufjan, went to another amazing wedding, and Fall Break Aught Ten (Road Trip) to OU.

December: Finished up classes and rotation #2 (not as good as the others). I was so excited and relieved to pass my classes; I'm really starting to feel like I can do this.

And now here we are in 2011. I had a really great New Year's Eve with one of my best friends. There was a fun band playing in Columbia and we danced like fools! To be honest, I don't know what to say about this upcoming year...I know I'm going to do some traveling (DC here I come!) and I will choose the lab in which I'll do my thesis work. I want to read more for pleasure. And study more on a regular schedule.

Other than that I'm keeping an open mind. Here's to the new year!

a top five

2010-12-09T15:29:00.000-08:00

I decided to go with a list this time around. My top five female albums (I have to make the distinction that I only chose solo acts, not bands fronted by a woman or duos...those will have to be separate lists). Here they are, in no particular order:

1. Carole King- Tapestry
If there is any woman out there who has never listened to this album, the time to fix that is right now. Not only is this one of my favorite female albums, it's near the top of my list in general. King has a way of describing love and yearning that I'm positive can resonate with anyone. I didn't know this until recently, but Feel Like a Natural Woman was actually co-written by King on this album and Aretha Franklin made a big hit out of it after the fact. Top tracks: I Feel the Earth Move, Beautiful, Where You Lead.

2. Neko Case- Blacklisted
Where to start with Neko Case...? I guess her voice. Case has this sort of deep, soulful voice, with just a touch of rasp. It's so full and powerful that nearly anything she sings sounds amazing. Add to that her lyrics about life and its tragic sort of beauty (I know this sounds a little emo, but trust me, it's SO not) and you've got gold. This is an album for any mood. Top tracks: Deep Red Bells, Pretty Girls, Runnin' Out of Fools.

3. Regina Spektor- Begin to Hope
I love Regina Spektor because she comes up with such unconventional songs, both in content and structure. She uses her voice as the most unconventional instrument, making strange sounds that add a different layer to each track. I think at times she gets a little underestimated because it sounds sort of precious, but I think there's a kind of genius in it. Top tracks: Samson, Lady, Dusseldorf [bonus version].

4. Fiona Apple- Tidal
Just like with Ms. Case...what needs to be said about Fiona Apple? She too has a deep and soulful voice, but it's also sexy and jazzy. Her lyrics about love and loss are really poetic and mature, especially considering the fact that she was 19 when the album was released and younger when she wrote them. The video for Criminal is just as iconic as the song. Top tracks: Criminal, Shadowboxer, The First Taste.

5. Alanis Morissette- Jagged Little Pill
This album will always be special to me because it was the first cd I ever bought with my own allowance money. At the time I thought I was so subversive because Morissette cussed in the songs and my mom didn't pay attention to the lyrics. I have since realized a more mature appreciation for this album. There is a lot of anger in these lyrics and I think it's rare to hear a woman that angry in music, but it works well for her. This is the perfect album to blast when you are pissed off at a boy...it's cathartic. Top tracks: All I Really Want, You Oughta Know, Hand in My Pocket.

In other news, I have my enzymology final tomorrow and then biochemistry on Thursday. Then my first semester of grad school is over. BOOM. ROASTED.

blue bayou

2010-11-29T18:42:00.000-08:00

I don't feel quite up to a full on post today so I'm just going to give you a video to watch. It's a little long (about 30 mins), but please give yourself the time-it's great!

Norah Jones has a new compilation album out. It's basically a variety of collaborations that she has recorded over the years. There is a lot of variation....Talib Kweli, Dolly Parton, M. Ward, Herbie Hancock, Willie Nelson, Belle & Sebastien, etc.

Go listen!

half moon rising

2010-11-14T18:14:00.000-08:00

Last week a friend of mine won tickets to see Yonder Mountain String Band at the Blue Note and gave me a ticket.

I knew it would be a good night when an ambulance and a fire truck pulled up outside. They calmly brought a stretcher inside, but we never got to see if they brought someone out, so hopefully all is well.

I've always had a soft-spot in my heart for regional music. Actually, I don't know if that's what you would call it, but I mean down-home music that tends to define a place and time. It's music that tells a story and sometimes feels a little nostalgic. Bluegrass is definitely one of those genres, at least to me.

So, Yonder...I don't really know too much about them, and I've only heard probably a fraction of their repertoire, but I love listening to what I have. I've watched videos of live performances in the preparation for the day I would see them live. Their music just puts you in a good mood, even the sad songs.

I loved the show. I say this about most of the shows I go to, but this one was great for a very different reason. The music was great and the band was pretty interactive with the audience, but my favorite part was how much everyone in the crowd danced. Danced. I don't think I've ever been to a show with that much dancing. Yeah, people sway and rock and get into the songs a lot, but here they were actually busting a move. Which was enjoyable because the only way to dance to bluegrass music is to look like an idiot, and no one seemed to have a problem with that.

Each member is also ridiculously talented with their instrument. I've been inspired to take up the mandolin...in my copious spare time.

To close, I'm already anticipating my next Yonder show.

lion in a coma

2010-11-07T19:39:00.000-08:00

Sorry for my brief hiatus. I had a seriously crazy week. Two major exams and a 30min seminar presentation. But, that's over and I can breathe relatively easy until mid-December.

My musical brain tends to flip-flop a lot. I seem to go through periods where my brain is interested in something very concretely rock and roll. Something with a solid structure, a nice beat, melody, clear lyrics (i.e. Bob Dylan, Wilco, The Black Keys, etc.). Then on the off times, it pulls a 180 and demands complicated and random sounds. Now is one of the latter times.

And my favorite right now: Animal Collective.

I didn't really start listening to them until about two years ago when a friend gave me their EP, Grass. I liked it and bought two other albums, but didn't really get into them. I recently bought their latest, Merriweather Post Pavilion, and have not been able to stop listening. For reals. I've been listening to it on my daily commute every day since I bought it. Saturday I bought a copy on vinyl (which I think is starting to become my new favorite hobby...buying vinyl that is).

The variation of the songs, resulting from the deep layers of noise that mesh perfectly, keeps my mind from getting bored. If you really sit and dissect what you are hearing, there is such a variety of sound, it's pretty incredible. It's hard to think that these completely random sounds would work together, but they do. Oh yes they do, like the jaw harp samples and the crazy mic effects of Lion in a Coma. It's also the kind of crazy-fun, nerdy music that makes you want to dance like a dork.

I haven't really listened to much of their side projects. Members Avey Tare and Panda Bear have solo albums which are on my radar I've heard great things, but I haven't had a chance to check them out yet. When I do, you'll hear about it.

Unrelated side note: Yonder Mountain String Band is coming to Columbia this Wednesday. I entered a little contest on facebook to win a prize pack including tickets. I find out if I won this afternoon. Fingers crossed-I would love to see them live at The Blue Note!

i live with you

2010-10-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

I highly recommend you watch this. Actually, just take some time and watch the whole series of them. There are quite a few classics, covering quite a few classics.

That's all I have time for.

now that i'm older

2010-10-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it's finally here. It has arrived. I have decided on a theme: music. I guess I love music and I already actually talk about music on here anyway, so it's a good fit.

I swear this one will stick...there are endless options and I'm actually really excited about it. I'm sure I'll add some life updates and some photos in between...but get ready.

Disclaimer: I don't in any way intend to to come across as some sort of music critic or as if I really know what I'm talking about. It's just that I like a variety of tunes, I like going to live shows, and I like reading and talking about both. There is quite a bit of attitude and condescension on the music scene, but I'm going to try and avoid it here. I know that I have plenty of guilty pleasures and I like a lot of stuff that in actuality is terrible, but that's the way it goes. People listen to music because it makes them happy, so deal.

Since my most recent musical adventure was the Sufjan Stevens concert in KC on Sunday, that's where I'm starting.

There are a lot of strong feelings about his most recent album, The Age of Adz. Many people think he has made a complete about face to his previous musical styling, and at the casual listen that's probably true. It's a lot more 'in your face' than his previous work; the synths make it seem harsher than the sort of delightful banjo melodies of old.

That being said, I love this album. Since it was available on NPR's First Listen, it's been on my iPod. Sufjan has a confidence in his voice on this album that is hard to deny; he's really trying to get something across. What that something is, I'm not always sure, but nonetheless, I hear him.

Seeing this album played live was incredible. When he played 'Impossible Soul' I thought I was going to explode, I loved it so much. That's quite a feat to play 25 minutes straight of noise (in the best sense of the word). Sufjan was very open about explaining his new sound. He mentioned that his previous songwriting methods have let him down over the past couple of years, so he went back to the basics on this album. He was inspired by the art and life story of Royal Robertson, which was a great backstory to hear from Stevens' perspective. He threw the audience a couple of bones starting out with 'Seven Swans' and ending with an encore including 'Chicago' and 'John Wayne Garcy, Jr.'

Great show, great album, great time with my beloved friends from Jewell and KC. What a perfect end to a perfect weekend.

Sunday Morning

2010-10-03T19:54:00.000-07:00

The Velvet Underground & Nico, a perfect example of an album that I haven't really listened to because I just have so many albums. I like it though. I like Lou Reed's voice, it's soothing in a way.

Another week down I suppose. I'm glad this one's past...it was pretty rough.

It's amazing to me how tired I am at the end of each day. School just wears me out. I think it's really more of a mental fatigue than a physical one. At least I sleep well (for the most part)...

This weekend was nice. The weather was gorgeous and I got some work done. I also got the chance to have an uninterrupted, 45min+ conversation with my sister. That rarely happens.

Speaking of tired, I'm headed to bed.

king of carrot flowers

2010-09-19T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to In the Aeroplane Over the Sea. Sometimes I get really overwhelmed by all of my musical options. There's a lot of diversity in genre on my hardrive and I tend to get really indecisive and give up, but this one is a constant fall back. I can usually make it work for almost any occasion, especially contemplative (but spacey) moods.

I had a great weekend full of friends new and old, but I'm too tired now to go into details. Suffice it to say that I spent quality time with one of my best friends, went to a sweet and beautiful wedding (and saw more bests!), drove drove drove, and totally rocked out to the Flaming lips again (first time I've ever gone to two shows on the same tour).

Spent today in lab and got some key steps finished for one of my projects, but totally failed on the other one. Now I'm behind a couple of days, after being behind a couple of days anyway because my reagents didn't make it in time. I'm a little frustrated, but not at anything in particular.

Thanks to Mr. Mangum I'm going to relax and then fall into what I'm sure will be a blissful sleep. Goodnight!

week one.

2010-08-29T19:14:00.000-07:00

First week of grad school...DOWN.

To be honest I feel like the first week was a little bit of a let down. Most likely it's the result of the summer. I've already gotten used to campus, met a lot of people from my department, and been in the lab a lot, so it doesn't feel that different. I just have classes.

I'm taking three courses this semester, one of which is a seminar and only sort of counts. Biochemistry is good so far, it's a lot of review, but in much more detail, which I think will turn out to be extremely helpful. It's team-taught by three different professors and they crack me up, but I'm sure they are not trying to be funny. Enzymology is a lot of chemistry and math, which is nice, but at times confusing.

I really like the lab I'm in right now, everything just kind of clicks for me. Plus, I've only really been there a week (not even full days, just in between classes, etc.) and I'm already really comfortable, as if I've been there for a while. The PI is really open to questions, clarifications, and discussions, which is super helpful to me. I really like how hands-on he is.

Fall is shaping up to be a busy season this year. Of course I have school, but there are also two weddings and other things happening. I'm lining up my Fall concert series. I have a ticket for Sufjan Stevens (how awesome is it that he's touring?!) and will also have a ticket for either Vampire Weekend or The Flaming Lips, depending on how the scheduling works out. My ears are so pumped.

Speaking of music, I'm not sure I've ever been as anxious for an album to come out as I have been for this. I've been watching the video from that article at least five times a day since I saw it. And I've read various interviews of both Mavis Staples and Jeff Tweedy about working together. I can't believe that she is 71! My album copy has been pre-ordered so now I just have to wait for that beautiful download. Seriously excited.

2010-07-27T16:24:00.000-07:00

I just made a new friend, Jaime. He's Columbia's resident didjeridu (didgeridoo? According to wikipedia it can be spelled either way) aficionado. He makes them, plays them, and gives lessons. He invited me to come to a free session on Sunday at the park to learn and told me even if I didn't want to actually play it, he teaches good breathing techniques that are useful for meditation. He has a cute poodle named Zombie. I'm pretty sure Jaime is homeless. I think this is the start of a wonderful friendship.

-ish?

2010-07-08T17:20:00.000-07:00

Facebook is convinced that I'm Jewish. It started innocently enough with an advertisement for http://www.theshiksa.com/ (which I actually really enjoyed, and read regularly). However, within the past couple of weeks, I have been bombarded by a number of Jewish foundations telling me how to find my ancestors and offering heritage tours (not unlike Everything is Illuminated). I'm not quite sure where Facebook got this notion, and to be honest it's strange because I'm not Jewish.

Honeslty, though, I think Facebook can just read my soul. Because here's the thing: wish I was Jewish.

I guess it's not actually that I want to convert to Judaism or anything, but I wish I was a part of a bigger culture, clan even. Within the past few years I realized that I want more traditions and I guess the Jewish people are just a good example of tradition (thank you, The Fiddler on the Roof, for that delightful pun).

It's kind of a restless feeling I suppose, but I just want to feel connected.

unfolding fans

2010-06-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm convinced that I might indeed be the world's worst blogger. I just don't ever know what to 'blog' about. I feel like I've tried to start some themes before, but it never quite sticks. Anyway, I'm sure you're wondering what I've been doing with myself these first few weeks of my new life. Here it goes:

First and foremost I spend time in the lab. At least 7 hours a day. Currently I'm attempting to optimize a few protocols for the cells and protein we're working with. It's a little slow going so far. I've been working with another student who just finished his first year exams, but neither one of us really knows what we are doing. And we really don't get a lot of direction from our 'mentor', so we just blunder along. Which is probably better in the long run, because we have already made a bazillion mistakes...so we're learning, right? I think so.

I don't drive. On average (at least for the past three weeks) I've only driven about twice a week. I'm trying to bike/walk everywhere. Which has had some funny moments so far, like when I crashed my bike on the street and I thought no one saw me, until a few minutes later when this older gentleman came to check on me because he thought I had seriously injured myself (fyi, I had not). He offered to fix my bike too, but it was fine. Given the recent heat waves that seem to have settled over all of Missouri, I inevitably sweat all day too. It's nearly impossible to walk even a few blocks without being drenched. Gross.

I've been watching the World Cup. I've never seen the World Cup games before, but I started watching this year. And I'm hooked, for better or worse. The fans are so enthusiastic and I love their outfits. MU's been showing the games on a big screen in the union and it's fun to sit and watch with all of the international kids. Watching the games is also a great reason to have a beer early in the day (only for the weekend games...).

Last weekend I went home and went to my first bachelorette party at a Cardinals game (I think there is a new sports theme to my life). It was basically a blast.

All I can really say is that I'm having fun. I'm learning about life and living it on my own and being a graduate student and budgeting. It's weird. But I think I'm liking it.

blerg.

2010-06-11T11:10:00.000-07:00

Blerg. It's been a while. I find it so intimidating to try and update when it’s been so long.

I have been a resident of Columbia for over a week now. I’ve been in the lab for one week. That doesn’t seem possible. I still kind of feel like in a few weeks I’ll be heading home or something, like this is just temporary. It hasn’t sunk in that this is [semi]-permanent.

I like being in a ‘real’ college town so far. I like that nearly everyone I meet is a student of some sort, coffee shops stay open late, and there is a plethora of great food and beer. That all makes for one happy girl. I don’t have cable or internet and that has been a little hard to adjust to. I've just been mooching wifi at coffee shops and all around campus, which hasn't really been too bad.

Slowly the lab situation is improving. I feel a little more each day like I actually belong in this environment. It was kind of a rough start, which has only been compounded by the fact that my mentor will just be around 3 days a week and I'm still not sure which project I'm actually working on. But the other lab members have taken me under their wing and I've been able to tag along for some of their work, which has been fun. I got to help remove embryonic mice brains yesterday in order to grow some neurons. That was pretty sweet. And I'm still learning a lot, so at least there's that.

That's all I have for now.

cut like a buffalo

2010-05-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

I finally got to hang out with my sister and her family today and it was fantastic. I haven't seen my niece or nephew in almost year and it's been hard! They look so different now! I love playing with them. It's cool that as they get older they develop their own little personalities. Kaylee is really into music and dancing right now. She loves Taylor Swift and knows all the words to her songs. She loves to dance around and play her guitar too. And Tyler is starting to talk more and actually say sentences. Adorable.

On the way home I realized that when my sister was my age, she had been married for almost two years and was pregnant with her first child. And that made me sad. And then I felt weird that it made me sad.

starman: let all the children boogie.

2010-05-05T13:23:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm just trying to focus on being calm. Which is hard for me.

Over the weekend I went to look at apartments in Columbia with my mom and my aunt. It was actually a lot of fun and I think I found a place that I really like. It was on the higher end of the rent spectrum I'm willing to pay, but it's a good size and it's literally blocks from campus. It has a cute little front porch area where I could put out a table and chairs. It has a new kitchen too. I'm going to look at some more this Friday. Even if those don't work out, at least I know I really like this place. Bah!

I'm also officially registered as an MU student. I'm enrolled in my class (which isn't really a class...it's just lab time) for the summer too! So excited. I still don't know exactly what I'll be doing, but that's ok with me.

Soon I'm going to Jewell's graduation. Three days later Hannah and I are heading to South Bend for Road Trip '10. I'm going to see The Black Keys. I'm going to a bachelorette party at a Cardinal's game.

This is certainly shaping up to be a wonderful summer!

FIVE DAYS

2010-04-18T07:14:00.001-07:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CmjJQojMTTs

a hundred things can change your life

2010-04-11T12:43:00.000-07:00

I will never get tired of reading The History of Love. It moves me each time.

things are what you make of them

2010-03-25T12:50:00.001-07:00

I went to Half-Priced Books in Westport today to replace my copy of Luther's Small Catechism. While I was there I browsed the science section and noticed that they had several copies of textbooks that I used at Jewell for $7.98. I think from now on, I'm only going to buy books at Half-Priced Books.

Then I went for lunch at Chipotle on 39th. Chipotle is one of the few places that I feel totally comfortable eating alone because they have a counter by the window. The counter makes it easier to eat alone because there aren't extra chairs at the table mocking you. When I walked in I saw that Mike from JW was there, but I'm not really friends with him so I didn't say hi. He's also a lot cooler than I am, which sometimes makes him intimidating to approach. I took Blue Like Jazz (also: bringing a book to read is fun when you are eating alone) and had it sitting next to my food. A lady stopped me while I was eating to tell me that she was also reading BLJ and loved it. She said she's been reading it for two months, very slowly, because she doesn't want it to end. I thought that was pretty neat. I love it when things like that happen. It's just nice to know that there are some strangers out there who are willing to connect with you, even just for a minute to share that they are reading the same book.

can't stand it

2010-03-19T09:37:00.000-07:00

So, it's time for a real post.

Yesterday I got my 'Welcome to Columbia' packet via FedEx. It has apartment guides and a directory for services in Columbia. I'm feeling so conflicted. In the middle. So happy. And unhappy. I am so excited to get back to school and move to Columbia...start something new, etc. After so much rejection, it feels good to have this kind of validation. But, I'm sad too. I hate leaving things. Endings. Goodbyes. I know that this is really dramatic because honestly I'm moving in between the two most important cities to me. But still.

I have been blessed beyond measure by Jacob's Well. The people there have been warm and welcoming. Encouraging and supportive. I know I've only had friends there for about 6 months, but these friendships are already very dear to me. At JW I have been challenged intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually. My faith has grown exponentially. Which is great, but it makes me nervous. I'm afraid that I won't find that in Columbia. And if I don't find it, I'm afraid what will happen to that growth. I know that church does not equate spirituality, but I'm nervous that without the people to support and encourage...I don't know what will happen, but can't imagine it'd be good.

I know for sure that I am ready to leave my job. I'm honestly starting to really dislike it. For a variety of reasons, but I'm just ready to be finished. It's a lot like senioritis, especially since I know I'm getting ready to move on to something I'm passionate about.

So, I started reading Blue Like Jazz recently. Honestly I went into it thinking I was going to hate it. Not sure why exactly, but that's how I felt. It has completely surpassed any of my previous judgements. I can't put it down anymore. It has caused me to really reflect on the mission of my life and I've been realizing a lot of new things. No offense, but those are subjects for my private journal. Just note that I would now recommend it.

I can't stop listening to Wilco. I'm mean, I've been listening to them regularly since high school, but lately there has been some kind of new quality about them that I just can't get enough of. It's rediscovery at it's finest. Not only do I love the music itself, but the lyrics really mean something to my life right now. They are the kind of lyrics that you get, but don't really understand at the same time. That doesn't really make sense, but it's the only way for me to describe it.

I'm completely in love with golden raisins and avocados. I've been putting them on everything. But not together.

a mellow good time

2010-02-25T08:30:00.000-08:00

I'm officially going to Mizzou. I decided last week and am just waiting on the official paperwork from the school. Wowza.

Tomorrow morning I'm leaving for Espana. I'm sooo excited! And a little nervous because I haven't really traveled by myself, or without someone more experienced. BAH!

april 17, 2009

2010-02-11T09:17:00.000-08:00

I've started wondering if there is a breed of people who are love-observers. They are people who see love all around them: dear friends, close family, even other couples, etc. But they don't have romantic love in their own lives. They can let the love of others fill them up and as such they don't realize they're lacking. On those rare days when they do, it can devastating for approximately 24 hours. Then they see the rest of the love out there and are happy once again.

ashes of american flags

2010-02-10T12:34:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel lame because I typically only write stuff here about what happens in my life. I usually don't write much that is thought-provoking. It's just episodes from my fairly mundane life. I save that other stuff for my real journal. No offense. I'm just terribley afraid of being judged.

Since I got the disclaimer out of the way, here's the latest headline: I GOT AN OFFER FOR GRAD SCHOOL FROM MIZZOU! There are no words to express how happy I am. Happy isn't even the emotion for the occasion....it's more akin to complete and utter joy. But that might not actually capture it either.

I just feel so validated. Like I have a direction again. I think these past 8 months have been the hardest in my life so far. And I really mean that. After all of my disappointments, I was seriously losing my focus and my sense of self.

I think this was all meant to be. I think I need a radical shift in my outlook on life and that is definitely what this time out of college has done. Despite the fact that I am going back into the school environment, I will not be looking through the same glasses (quite literally since I have a new prescription).

I'm bad at coming up with the words to explain all of this at the moment. I'm a little better at it in person.

On a lighter note, it blows my mind that in just a few months I will be on track to get my PhD. Oh yeah, that's right, my PhD. Charles what now? I can't believe that when I come through this I'll be Dr. Collins. While this is all good and exciting, I'm having a little trouble keeping it in check. I'm finding myself wanting to tell people that I got in to school, just so they think I'm smart...which is not a healthy path to start.

I have an interview at KU in a few weeks. I don't really want to go. I just want to move to Columbia tomorrow. Oh and I'm going to a little country called Spain in two weeks and two days.

Goin' On

2010-01-28T09:41:00.000-08:00

Wide open spaces. That's where my gaze is directed...at least figuratively.

So much is about to happen, that if I stop and think about it, I lose my breath a little. Granted, it's an exciting kind of overwhelming, but overwhelming nonetheless.

In the next six weeks or so I have two grad school interviews, one international vacation, one grad school app due, one education program app due, two standardized tests relating to said education program, a teaching internship, and I could be moving into a house (well, this one's more like a few months away). Bah!

Only one thing is (hopefully) official for my future: by the end of the year I will no longer have my current job. It has turned out to be much better than I originally anticipated, but it is not a place that I can thrive in. I am grateful for the skills I've learned and I think they'll definitely help me in the future.

There's more that I want to say, but it's not coming out well right now. Hopefully I'll feel more inspired a little later.

Via Chicago

2010-01-09T09:59:00.000-08:00

The building where I work is located right next to Kansas City Power & Light, which is KC's electric plant. The major window of the lab looks out onto their giant coal pile, which is usually a little depressing for a variety of reasons. But, now that there is so much snow...it's kind of pretty. They used a little bulldozer to get off some snow at the top, making it black again and now it looks like a small mountain. So, now when I look out the window, I can imagine that I'm in a much sweeter location, like the Andes, or Alps.

For an adventure update. In approximately seven weeks I will be here: http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/65/2007-12-18-04706-02_Spain_Almeria.jpg

Get jealous.

I don't know.

2009-12-04T10:31:00.000-08:00

I don't know.

This is the simplest way to descibe the happenings of the past two weeks or so. I don't know. I'm not completely sure. But, somehow, I'm ok with that. It feels weird because usually I'm a little wound up and being so uncertain would send me on the path to the House of Pain. But, through some miracle, I'm embracing it for the first time in my life. I think I might even be...en..joying it...? That's hard to swallow, but very well might also be true.

What the what....

the verb

2009-10-31T08:52:00.001-07:00

It's another slow day at work. So, this is what I ahve been doing:

Listening to http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Swell_Season

Perusing Etsy. Might have just found a new favorite (http://www.etsy.com/shop/hadleyhutton?page=1). I think I want all of her paintings.

Looking up new recipes. I may or may not be in the process of becoming a foodie. If so, hopefully not a snobby one. http://simplyrecipes.com/

DIY-craft & design exploring on http://www.designspongeonline.com/. I love all of their ideas!

Buy my favorite soaps and body products! I absolutely love this company and their mantra on being a small business. http://www.indigowild.com/index.cfm?&r=1

And lastly, I've been planning a tour to http://www.theroasterie.com/ where I am planning on creating my own unique roast.

Enjoy some favorites.

and now for a life update

2009-10-25T07:15:00.000-07:00

My left foot is currently recovering from being 'asleep'. I don't understand why that's what this horrible feeling is called.

Work is really boring as of late. The plants are switching production and as such we have nearly zero samples to analyze.

Confession: I have never been crafty. I remember in girl scouts making swap pins and absolutely HATING it. I thought it was dumb and pointless. Periodically I would try to change this and get obcessed with something until I burned myself out. I have a large collection of half-finished projects like friendship bracelets, nylon lanyard keychains, tote bags, latch hook rugs, and crocheted potholders.

Lately I have been exhibiting some strange symptoms. I have been found wondering local craft boutiques, actually working on the quilt I started over the summer, and perusing DIY/decorating websites (like http://www.designspongeonline.com/). I have this strange and intense urge to start making things with my own two hands. And maybe (hopefully) finishing them. I just don't know where to get started! There is so much that I could make. I'm going to try and stick with the quilt thing for a while and see where it takes me.

This has manifested itself into cooking as well. I love it! I don't really cook all that often, nor is it very elaborate, but I enjoy what I make, so...I'm trying to work my way through a cookbook. We'll see how this ends up.

And in other news, I've decided to volunteer with MOCSA again. I've had enough of a hiatus and it's time to serve.

And I'm listening to Blitzen Trapper. Ahh-sommme.

the best way to spend an afternoon

2009-10-25T06:54:00.000-07:00

#5

I find it overwhelming the ways in which I miss my time at Jewell. But two things stand out:

- I miss being continuously surrounded by such quality people. Each person I was blessed to meet on the Hill was able to teach me something or plant a thought seed in my life. The daily encouragement and support (for and between everyone) is something I wish I would have bottled up so I could carry it around now and share with the world.

- At Jewell I discovered how to truly appreciate individual moments and really be present in them. Some of my favorite memories are simply of lying in the sun on the Triangle or the quad, or sitting outside of Browning with a warm cup of tea. I have become very relational and it was in these places that I was able to develop my real communication skills.

(Most of all, I really miss Becky's scones).

Aging

2009-09-11T15:29:00.001-07:00

Today at work I spent a good ten minutes daydreaming about what I would look like when I'm 75. I still can't really imagine it.

2009-09-08T17:37:00.000-07:00

I don't like admitting when my life isn't going in the direction I think it should. I don't like submitting to the idea that things are less than ideal. I've always been optimistic and blissfully looking towards the future.

Well, my friends, my life isn't going quite how I had anticipated it would post-Jewell. It's hard to write.

I am not excited about my current job. I don't particularly enjoy getting up before the sun and heading to a place to do something that I'm not passionate about.

I think in my life so far I've always done things that I have been excited or passionate about. And that has kept me going. This time I'm doing something that, really, I have to do. At least for now. It's all very surreal. I haven't had this type of experience before.

I have been blessed to have little tragedy in my life. Granted there have been bad times and things that I have struggled with, but it has always seemed that there was a light at the end of the tunnel...something new and better was coming along to look forward to. It feels a little like that is missing right now. I know that I will not be at this place forever (honestly, I might not be here in six months), but somehow it still feels like the end for some reason.

I think part of it stems from Jewell as well. So much is expected out of students. Lead, serve, achieve. I felt kind of like a (somewhat) big fish in a (kind of small) pond. It's assumed that even more amazing this are going to happen immediately upon graduation. I feel a little bit like I've let Jewell down. I guess I romanticized my next step and I feel like I've fallen short somehow.

There are good things going on in my life and I need to remind myself of them. I HAVE A JOB. Two jobs, actually. I feel selfish whining about not having a job that I love, when there are literally millions of Americans who can't find any work. Not only is it a job, but I'm using my degree. Be thankful.

I do love working at the coffeeshop. It's a blast. I love my co-workers and my customers. I love Westport.

I love Jacob's Well. Even though Pastor Tim is gone, there is so much for me there. Small groups, second saturdays, potlucks... I also just bought Mike's cd. I love it! It's like being at JW wherever I go.

And the community center that I recently joined. I'm taking yoga starting next week.

So, I need to stop dwelling on what's getting me down and look out and ahead. I'm only 23 with a lot left to give (new mantra).

|As the eternal optimist, I am planning my next move(s). I'm going to take my GRE again soon and apply to grad schools for the fall of next year. I need some research in my life.

RHLuerding

2009-08-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

#4

My grandpa loved (loves) me.

One of the most treasured relationships in my life (besides the one with my mother) is the one that I had (have?) with my grandpa, Robert Herman Luerding.

I wrote a biography of my grandpa when I was in 5th grade for grandparents day. I learned that he was born in 1922, went to Lutheran school day school, he went to the same high school that I eventually went to, he went to Dartmouth, and eventually became a VP with the Lee Rowen company in St. Louis. He married his high school sweetheart and had five children.

Robert Herman Luerding (known to his 16+ grandkids as Poppy) was never a very emotional person. He was stoic and reserved and only spoke when he had something to say. But his wit was razor sharp and he never missed the opportunity to make a joke. He told great stories that always held my full attention.

Poppy, like Scrooge, liked the darkness because it was cheap. He was always very frugal with his money. But, he did have room for one frivolity: music. He was quite the musician. He even wrote a hymn in his later life. He sang in his church choir for nearly 30 years and donated a sum of money for the choir to get new robes. He had a piano which he loved to play "like a Baptist".

My Poppy was the most faithful person I've known. We had great (semi)theological talks. When the end of his life was near, he reassured me that he was headed home. He wasn't afraid of dying because he knew where he was going: to be with his Beloved. I still remember the look on his face at my confirmation. He was so proud.

During my senior year of high school, Poppy was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. He opted out of treatment and spent his remaining time at home. That's when I like to think I got the best of him. He passed only two weeks later. I was there when he left us. I'll never forget that moment.

At his funeral I sobbed. Because I missed him. Because this world had lost a great member of mankind. Because the church was packed. And because the church choir came and surrounded his casket to sing the Battle Hymn of the Republic (one of his favorites) as well as the hymn that he wrote, Not Ashamed.

I was very sad that Pop had died, for selfish reasons: he didn't get to see me graduate from high school or start college. Academics were always very important to him. But I also felt at peace.

Tonight I was drawn to Psalm 4:

Many are saying, "Who can show us anything good?"

Let the light of your presence shine on us, O Lord.

You put more joy in my heart than when their grain and new wine increase.

I fall asleep in peace the moment I lie down

because you alone, O Lord, enable me to live securely.

It's been on my heart lately. After I read this passage, I randomly flipped through my Bible. I found a single sheet of paper at the near the beginning, tucked between the pages. I pulled it out, realized what it was, and wept. That's really the only way to describe it. I wept. Big fat tears fell down my face.

It was an email from RHLuerding, my Poppy, who actually had email before I did. He wanted to tell me how much he loved the pictures I had taken on my recent voyage to France, being a world-traveler himself, he wanted to share his excitement. He wanted to congratulate me on my recent 4.o and offer to help my apply for scholarships to college.

And the very last sentence, that's what got me. He said he was proud of me, that he prayed for me everyday and that he loved me. Very much. Which means so much coming from him.

I can't help but think this was meaningful. I know that my Poppy is still praying for me. He still loves me.

# 3

2009-07-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

#3

As a general rule, I'm not a huge fan of summertime. I mean, it's always been great to be off of school and not have a lot of responsibility, etc. My birthday is even in the summer. But the weather! I'm a fan of the cool/cold/freezing variety, not this sticky humid mess. I generally don't enjoy warm weather clothes (i.e. tank tops, shorts, bathing suits) in lieu of sweaters, scarves, hats and winter coats. Historically I just haven't enjoyed it.

That being said, I should probably eat my words. So far, without little doubt, this has been the best summer I've had. Camp was great this year. I've gotten to spend time with great friends, people who make me feel truely alive. I have a job. Two jobs in fact. I finally feel like an adult (which is really scary, but I'm going with it). I'm truly having a blast. I couldn't ask for more.

In other words, I have a new-found appreciation for summer. Summer now means Boulevard, sun dresses, babysitting fun kids at the pool, driving with the windows down, drinking on the porch at night, best friends, basically: KC at it's finest.

This is terribley incoherent, but true.

The World at Large

2009-06-24T10:58:00.000-07:00

Halfway through the second week of camp. It's boys. They are so funny. Honestly I don't think it's more stressful to have the boys. I just think they have a very different energy than the girls do. The girls can be mean and catty and giggly. The boys just talk about weird and occasionally gross things. Their energy is just more physical and they are louder and listen less. But at the same time are more laid back. The only thing that might make this week worse is some of the staff. They drive me a little nuts...but, you know.

I'm still waiting to hear back from Stowers. Hopefully by the end of this week I will know. I just want a job. I want to have a plan at least for a little while. I need a reason to stay in KC because camp will be over soon. Bah.

I need to get back in the habit of reading and checking the news. When camp is over.

it's summertime

2009-06-04T14:52:00.000-07:00

I need to know. I think my interview went well, but you know...it could go either way.

I'm trying to get excited for camp...slowly.

living in twilight

2009-05-21T20:18:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break to share some news. And general excitement/fear.

I graduated. It's weird to consider myself an alumna of Jewell. I think in my mind I'll always be a student there. This has been the weirdest feeling of my life. It really feels like most any other summer, except that in the deep recesses of my brain I know that I won't be going back to Jewell in the Fall. And now I feel like I just have too much time on my hands. Weird.

So, the day before graduation I had an interview at Children's Mercy to work in the Cytogenetics Lab. First I met with HR, the the lab supervisor, then the lab director. Honestly, I don't think it really went that well. I'm not totally sure that a clinical lab is the right setting for me. I have research at heart and I'm not sure working there will satisfy me. That said, I would love to have a job right now, and if I was hired, I would definitely consider it.

Now I have an interview at Stowers next Thursday. It's in the Gibson lab. I want this so bad I can taste it and I'm willing to be cliche. The more I read about developmental biology the more I am interested in its potential. I think that Stowers would be the perfect place for me. I love KC and would love to spend some quality time there as an adult not in school.

I feel like things are really starting to happen. I just don't want to blow it by wanting it too much.

Breathe.

underneath the skin

2009-04-24T14:49:00.000-07:00

# 2

I think that for the most part the different parts of my body seem to be fairly normal-looking. They are approximately in proportion with one another and all look like standard versions of other people's body parts. There is one (or two rather) exception.

My feet. As a general rule, I'm not really a fan of most feet anyway, but mine feel especially foreign on my body. They are clearly reminiscent of hobbit feet, rather squarish with a few stray hairs on the tops.

I do like the scars I have from my surgery; they are kind of neat. Especially where the two scars don't overlap.

As I've gotten older and my feet have taken more abuse, there are strange little knobs on their sides. These are probably not good, but they don't bother me yet.

My toenails are small.

My feet are weird, but they probably fit me.

july, july!

2009-04-17T13:47:00.001-07:00

I have decided to mix things up a bit, chart myself a new course. A blogging course at least. It might be copying from Nicole Krauss...just a little for inspiration.

I have come to realize in my life that most of the time there is little I am certain about. There are a ridiculous amount of unknowns. I've realized that I focus too much on these question marks and as such I worry about things I don't need to. So, I am going to start focusing on what I do know. What I have learned, the easy or hard way. What I feel is right in the world. In my life and the lives of those around me. I am hoping that this way I will be able to focus more on positive and tangible things that will remind me of why this life is so incredible.

#1

The part of my life that is the most stable, the most constant, and the part that will always be true and honest is the part of my life which centers around my mother. As much as I joke about her and take it light-heartedly, I get teary-eyed when I think of a life without her. She knows me inside and out, probably better than I understand myself and she knows just how to keep me in line. She has always put my needs first in her life and done her best to protect me. Sometimes the threat was real and tangible, but mostly it wasn't and I thought she was just being overbearring. I now realize that she has always had my best interest at heart and she just wants me to be happy; to know love and kindness, and to never live outside of the moment. She is beautiful and clever and sometimes sad and angry, but she is and always will be my mother. Our relationship is the most real thing in the world to me; the thing I understand and treasure the most.

come crash

2009-04-12T22:30:00.000-07:00

So, I'm mixing things up. It's going to be a bit different, but now is not quite the time. I'm not quite in the right place. But get ready, it's coming.

lost in the plot

2009-03-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

Spring Break '09.

I needed a break in the worst way. This past week has been sickly and tiring. I managed to get everything finished on time, but I needed to go home.

Last night I went with Anna and Katie to see Andrew Bird! He was fantastic. In general, I try not to compare concerts because they are usually so good, but in different ways. Andrew is definitely the most talented and unique popular musician I've seen live. His skill is ridiculous. I just love how he loops different components of the songs together. There were a couple of times that he and his band actually messed up and had to restart. On one hand it is a little bit lame to go to a concert and have the band restart the song, but on the other, if you think about it, when he loops the songs like that, if one part is not right, then it's going to be wrong the whole time. So, I didn't mind. I think my favorite part was definitely the gramophones on stage. I think they were a mix of decoration and functional speakers. There was also a double-gramophone that spun in time with certain songs. There was a microphone positioned at each of the ends and as the sound came out, because of the doppler effect, they kept their own time. It was really neat. Bah, great show.

So far being at home has been pretty peaceful, very renewing. I feel like I'm heading into the home stretch and it's nice to check in first. Crazy though. Strangely, it has also been reassuring. I like coming home and being reminded of who I am. Sometimes I feel that gets a little lost on The Hill.

I got about 10GB worth of new music on Saturday. I'm in indie heaven.

glittering blackness

2009-02-19T21:54:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling very awake right now. I think just being out late with other people is enough to keep me alert.

Life is good! I have a few exciting weeks coming up. Lots of work to do, but also lots of fun to be had; two concerts in two weeks (ish). And I get to meet some pretty sweet people at the Cope Lecture and Achievement Day.

I get crushes too easily. That's something I don't like about myself. It makes me feel shallow and a little needy. I don't like to think of myself as either of those things and so it's a little disconcerning. It's just that I get a crush and then it gets to be too much. Plus this time around I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. And the other one will win. I'm so lame!

Moving on, I had my first official job interview the other day. Well, it was for a staffing agency and not a specific position, but I think it still counts. It went well, but I feel so green about this whole process. I need to get some more job knowledge.

I really need some time off.

I like shuffleboard.

the birth and death of the day

2009-02-03T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have had an exceptionally lovely day. And it's not even over yet.

The weather is cold, but sunny, my favorite, and although I didn't really wear an appropriate jacket, I'm pleased.

Pryor went very well this morning. I'm very glad that we are going to do the Campus Kicthens Project. It is going to fill such an important need in the community and I think it will really help show Jewell's commitment to service to the greater KC area. We formed into project teams this morning and assigned classroom roles for the rest of the semester and I am very happy about my choices. I'm going to help coordinate volunteers for the project which is something I love to do.

Instrumental was awesome today. I have to admit that so far there is a little more physics involved than I had anticipated, so sometimes it gets confusing, but today I totally understood. And by far the coolest thing I have learned this semester we discussed in class, which was why carrots look orange. The reason is becuase carrots are comprised largely of a compound called beta carotene. The structure of beta carotene contains a number of double bonds which result in delocalized electrons. The more delocalized electrons there are, the more potential jumps between energy levels the molcule can make. With more possible changes in energy, the compound will absorb visible light of a specific wavelength, which corresponds to a color. The opposite of that color is the color that it appears. Beta carotene actually abosrbs blue light and so it appears orange. Hooray!

The rest of the day has honestly been a little disappointing comparatively, but still good. The sun is shining, I'm listening to some sweet tunes, I have work to do, but not too much, and everything is right.

Jai Ho

2009-01-19T20:23:00.001-08:00

I saw Slumdog Millionaire on Saturday. Honestly, probably the best movie I've seen. At least in several years. I've been playing the soundtrack on repeat.

I'm heading back to school early tomorrow morning. I really feel that this break, as boring and somewhat difficult as it has been, has really helped to renew me. I finally feel ready to get started on what is the last leg of this section of my life's journey. I'm so glad that I can say that.

2009-01-08T21:57:00.000-08:00

My family is large and complicated and weird and global (nationalities, not locations, for the most part we all live within a ten mile radius of each other).

The easiest way to start is this: my mother is one of five children. She has three brothers and one sister, therefore I have four aunts and four uncles (seeing as severyone is married). One set lives in KC, but the others live in Saint Charles, or a surrounding county.

My uncle (mother's brother) and aunt in KC have four children, two girls and two boys, each roughly a year apart. The girls are biological and both of the boys were adopted from Columbia at different times and from different cities.

My other uncle (mother's brother) who lives the closest to us have five adopted children, three boys and two girls. The oldest boy is from the states, but I'm pretty sure he is Vietnamese. The next oldest boy is from Korea. The middle child, also a boy is from the US. The two girls are the youngest (but just a few months apart in age) and are from the US as well. The three youngest children are African American.

My other other uncle (mother's final brother) lives a little further away, approximately 10 miles. He has four children, all his own, three boys and a girl.

My aunt (mother's sister, pretty much my second mother) adopted a baby in the summer of 07. He is from Florida, but his father was Lebanese and I think his mother was half Hispanic.

Then there is my mother's little chunk. So really there is just me and my mother. But, I have a half sister, same father, different mothers. She is married to a wonderful and patient man and they have two beautiful children. Their daughter (my niece) is three and their son (my godson and nephew) is about 10 months. She has a real life and is only 27.

These are only my first cousins, etc. It only gets crazier the further out you get. But, quite a few of them still live in town. And seeing as my maternal grandparents' families were some of the original folks in our area, I'm [somewhat distantly] related to nearly everyone in St. Charles City.

I don't know why I'm sharing all of this. I think my family is loud and corny and funny and lame and weird all at the same time. I really like it. I find it strange that although our family is this large and so close to one another that we are not actually all friends. We don't have traditions as a family. The cousins don't have stories to share like our parents do, of family gatherings. I wish we had more traditions. In my old age I'm starting to wish some things were more traditional, I want to have roots and know what they are. I mean, we have a more distant relative working on this massive genealogy thing and our family is all traced to Piencenza (I think that may be spelled wrong), a town in Northern Italy, but it doesn't seem to matter to anyone.

I think I started thinking about this when one of my cousins and I had an actual conversation at our Christmas gathering. It was our first one and I really liked it. Then my mom and I ran into him at the grocery store and we had another. Then I thought, hey I should hang out with him sometime. So, I went to ask him on facebook if he would like to get together sometime but I almost didn't send it because I thought that would be weird. And it bothered me that I had to hesitate about it. I mean, we're family, shouldn't it be second nature that we spend time together? I eventually did and we are going to get together in the near future and I'm glad. I'm actually really excited. I just feel like this is how it's supposed to be with family, but I was bothered by my immediate hesitation.

The point is that I'm glad to spend more time with my complicated family.

no right angles

2008-12-31T16:47:00.001-08:00

"As for minute joys: as I was saying: Do you realize the illicit sensuous delight I get from picking my nose? I always have, ever since I was a child. There are so many subtle variations of sensation. A delicate, pointed-nail fifth finger can catch under dry scabs and flakes of mucous in the nostril and draw them out to be looked at, crumbled between fingers, and flicked to the floor in minute crusts. Or a heavier, determined forefinger can reach up and smear down-and-out the soft, resilient, elastic freenish-yellow smallish blobs of mucous, roll them round and jellylike between thumb and forefinger, and spread them on the under surface of a desk or chair where they will harden into organic crusts. How many desks and chair have I thus secretively befouled since childhood? Or sometimes there will be blood mingled with the mucous: in dry brown scabs, or bright sudden wet red on the finger that scraped too rudely the nasal membranes. God, what a sexual satisfaction! It is absorbing to look with sudden eyes on the old worn habits: to see a sudden luxurious and pestilential 'snot-green sea,' and shiver with the shock of recognition."

This is one of my favorite paragraphs in the English language. I'm not sure what that really says about me, but I think it's beautifully written. It comes from Sylvia Plath's journals. I read a lot of Plath when I was in high school. I think that's a good time in one's life to read her. Then maybe again in middle age. She just made a lot of sense to me at that time in my life. Her mind is understandable and her depression is crippling, but beautifully written.

I don't know. I'm not much for writing. Not really. Sometimes I have thoughts that I want to write, but they come out scattered and un-pretty. I think that's why I enjoy reading so much. Why I tend to prefer listening instead of talking, about things and ideas that are important. I just like to absorb the genius of others and hope that maybe one day it will rub off on me.

I've been seeing a lot of movies lately. That's all there really is to do around these parts. It's either shopping, drinking, or seeing movies. I think the last is at least the least mind-numbing (depending on the film). So far they've all turned out well.

My mother, aunt, and I saw The Curious Case of Benjamin Button on Christmas. It was beautiful, and just like all the advertisements say, like nothing I had ever seen on screen. It was captivating and it made me think about life, death, aging, and the meaning of our time on earth. More on that later.

My relatives from KC came down for our annual family Christmas extravaganzaa, and we saw Marley and Me as a family. It didn't make me ask questions and it wasn't anything intellectual, but it was cute and made me cry. I've become a real sucker for those sappy, incredibly obvious movie plots. I can't help it.

Then on Monday, I met up with Jewell friends (hooray!) for Chipotle and a movie. We saw The Reader. I really enjoyed it. It was really kind of depressing and everyone in the story was broken, but it was good nonetheless. I know that I liked it, but I can't put my finger on why. For some reason, the story didn't pull me in completely, so I'm not sure exactly what it made me feel. Maybe I felt nothing, and I just enjoyed watching it. Don't know.

Death, life, aging, legacies. These words have been around me quite a bit. After Benjamin Button, family was around talking about the past, telling stories (of which I had one to contribute-later*), being lively. My sister's family is fresh and new with a big future. In my life, I feel like I'm getting ready to leap off a pedestal into the unknown: adulthood. Then on NPR today, Talk of the Nation had a segment about the people who died in 2008 who left behind some kind of legacy.

I know that it's selfish but I want to make sure that I leave something behind. I kind of think it's human nature to want to be remembered. It makes you feel immortal in a way. That's good and bad in different ways. I don't know. I find that's my answer more and more these days, I don't know.

What I do know is that it's New Year's Eve! I'm excited and terrified about what 2009 has in store for me. It's going to be an adventure! That's going to be my new outlook. I guess that's kind of a resolution, along with reading more for pleasure. Bring it on.

*My story is this: on the 4th of July, my uncle gave me this HUGE bundle thing of fireworks to set off. I was at Morgan's house for the celebration and it was obvious that this display was going to be too large to set off around other houses, etc. So, we decided to relocate to the Quad. We set of this huge thing, and after the first explosion, we ran for it, back to Morgan's. It was spectacular. My uncle couldn't believe that we did this, but after I told him, he remarked that I really must be his niece, which makes me feel like I really do belong in my family.

it's that time of year

2008-12-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

I'm back at home now. For Christmas. I find that each time I come home, it feels less and less like home. At least the house does. It just feels like the place where my mother lives her life. My stuff is just sortof around. Strangely, the dynamic between us is always the same. It's almost like, no matter what we were doing previously, we revert back to what we were the last time we were together. It's hard to explain.

I'm glad to be here, but I just feel so stuck. I'm different here. Maybe better, maybe worse. I guess everything just looks different from this side of the state.

As much as I love winter time, it's turbulent. Some of my best and worst memories have to do with the winter (I'm really into memories. They can make or break everything). It's hard when it comes around each year because I can feel it creeping in. It's a slow progression. There's generally not a lot I can do about it, but I'm going to do my best this year.

In addition, I'm a planner, and not knowing what I'm going to do next isn't helping. I want to be exciting and spontaneous and have adventures, but I'm bad at that. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens. Maybe I'll make the best of it, maybe I should just revel in the uncertainty of it all. Maybe that's the approach I'll take. At least it's a start.

Despite how hard this semester was, I was proud of how well I kept it together. I didn't stress too much the majority of the time and was able to have a blast. I actually think that I made some memories this smester that will have trumped the other years. Oh man. I love my friends. I love Jewell.

I've really been into Hafiz lately:

God

and I have become

Like two giant fat people

Living in a Tiny boat.

We Keep Bumping into each other and

L

A

U

G

H

I

N

G .
- Hafiz

I should stop now. This is a little too dramatic for me.

2008-11-11T12:30:00.000-08:00

I love it when a song comes on the radio or on itunes shuffle and you haven't heard it in quite a while. As soon as it plays you instantly remember the first time you heard it, or maybe something really great that happened while you were listening to it. It's definitely one of my favorite life pleasures. If it's a good memory of course. Memorable:

Nearly any Weezer song reminds me of hanging out at Chris's house in high school. First semi-legitimate parties, etc. As well as the first time I listened to Jimi Hendrix (Foxy Lady-I'll never foget Ben singing).
Ben Folds- Riding in the car with Bryce, Colleen, Ben, Mike, and Andy. Usually being up to no good. And of course our infamous road trips.
Creep, Radiohead- Also riding with Bryce, Colleen, Ben, Mike, and Andy. And Bonnaroo.
Hoppipolla, Sigur Ros- Hanging out in the physics library with Ryan and Andrew and watching the music video for the first time. I was an insta-fan.
Ten Thousand Lines, Electric President- Also with Ryan and Andrew. Just driving North from Andrew's house after setting off \coke-bottle bombs.
Like Castanets, Bishop Allen- First time I ever heard them I was en route to seeing Regina Spektor with Morgan.
Regina Spektor- Driving home with Katie and Anna. Also insta-fan.
Cupid, Sam Cooke- Riding in the car with my mother after kindergarten. I knew all the words.
My Love, Petula Clark- Same as above.

Good times.

time machine

2008-11-07T12:37:00.000-08:00

I want a time machine to start college over. I'm not ready for this graduation, real-life, get a job business.

And I would make changes. I would definitely have a different major. Math and physics all the way. None of this biology business either.

A-Punk

2008-11-06T13:37:00.001-08:00

I've recently decided that the only things that really make sense in my life right now are math and chemistry. And maybe music.

Math, for example, just makes a ridiculous amount of sense. You start out by defining a set of numbers according to a specific question. Maybe it's regarding the behavior of a fluid, a recent polling statistic, or the specifics of a business. A while later, after some rearranging, substituting, etc. you have the answer to the question. It's so much easier than using words, because the meaning of the numbers doesn't change. There's no need to read between the lines. It's also more practical than words and it takes up less space.

Since chemistry is based on math, logically it makes a great deal of sense too. Math and physics laws dictate the behavior of molecules, which explains so much.

Music only makes sense because it doesn't have to. Music exists as a momentary emotion, but the beauty of it is that the emotion can be replayed. Re-experienced. Anytime, anyplace.

This is how I've been feeling the past few weeks. I'm hardening.

agreed

2008-10-27T16:51:00.000-07:00

"The particular field which excites my interest is the division between the living and the non-living, as typified by, say, proteins, viruses, bacteria and the structure of chromosomes. The eventual goal, which is somewhat remote, it the description of these activities in terms of their sturcture, i. e., the spatial distribution of their constituent atoms, in so far as this may prove possible. This might be called the chemical physics of biology."

-Francis Crick

This week is fairly light. Of course that means that I should be working on Grad school stuff and the like. We'll see how that goes.

Friday is Halloween. I think I'm going to see TV on the Radio. They are giving a free concert at the P&L in KC. Sweet.

worst weather ever

2008-09-12T17:51:00.000-07:00

School. Senior year so far is overwhelming. There is a lot of pressure. Pressure to do your best in classes. Pressure to enjoy this last year with your closest friends before you get scattered. Pressure to go on to amazing things next year. Pressure to know what you're doing with your life. Pressure to be an adult and understand things.

There's a lot going on in my mind these days. I'm not ready for the next phase. At least I don't feel ready. I feel like there's a lot I still need to do. The list never ends.

P-Chem is crazy. Theoretical science blows my mind with how well it can explain such realistic events. I still can't get over the fact that humidity makes air less dense. Insane. In the membrane.

Off to shuffleboard.

young pilgrims

2008-08-21T20:41:00.000-07:00

I browsed blogs earlier and noticed a few trends:

1. Too many families have blogs. Poeple are posting their daily musings for the world to see. Johnny finally made the football team. I'm so glad we just potty trained Sally and here's how we did it. I wander if people really read about the Smiths and the McAllisters and the Joneses.

2. There are quite a few blogs of olympic athletes with pictures of the games and the medals. That's pretty interesting. It's weird how accessible the games have become.

3. Lots of beautiful (and then semi creepy) photos.

it started out as a feeling, and then grew into a hope.

2008-08-12T14:56:00.000-07:00

Once again. Things never change, even when they seem different. Especially when they seem different. I hate that I'm so affected. This shouldn't matter. But it does.

come on bartender...just a little more tender

2008-07-31T21:52:00.000-07:00

I think we'll always be in contact. We have been in touch for this long, 15 years. I guess we'll just see how things pan out. Maybe it will work out.

where are the folding funnels?

2008-07-29T21:19:00.000-07:00

http://www.wiley.com/legacy/college/boyer/0470003790/animations/protein_folding/protein_folding.htm

2008-07-25T22:20:00.000-07:00

I went to see the new X-Files movie today. It was alright. It reminded me a lot of earlier episodes, in which the main focus was the actual case. But there was still a fair share of personal drama. I guess Moulder and Scully are together? And what happened with the info that was released in the last film? The global conspiracy? Where do we stand?

Anyway, there was a trailer for this movie, Babylon A.D. Throughout the entire trailer, the only music playing was the title song from Requiem for a Dream. That's all I could think about the entire time I was watching it. It's the exact same song. I don't understand how that's allowed. But I love that music.

pick a star on the dark horizon and follow the light

2008-07-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

I really hope things are different this time. I feel like maybe I deserve it. Maybe. Don't I?

something interesting

2008-07-18T11:59:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/15/science/15tier.html?pagewanted=2&ei=5070&en=00d756ac7c85f4ac&ex=1216785600&emc=eta1

Interesting article that a friend of mine emailed me about the potential for Title IX in science. At Jewell I think that there isn't too much discrimination in the BIO/CHEM departments and most students are actually female. I do believe there is some sexism on the part of a few faculty members. It's frustrating, but manageable I guess.

Personally, the only time I've experienced this kind of discrimination was at camp. Some of our male staff had a problem with me being in charge. I hate to be that person who just assumes that it's sexism because I'm a woman, but there was no other explanation. They listened to other males, but would blatantly ignore instructions that I gave them.

I'm not sure this type of problem will ever be solved. This article points out that some of these measures will actually make things worse and I couldn't agree more. I think there needs to be a balance of men and women in most fields of work (but with equal pay). I don't know what to do to make that happen, but hopefully someone does.

i might be a big fish in a little pond.

2008-07-04T09:15:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling quite stuck right now. I'm at the proverbial crossroads.

I don't want to go home. I want to stay in KC right now. Be with my friends, feel like I have a purpose, like I have things to do. I want to go away to graduate school in Chicago. Carve out something for myself there. Maybe move there for good. I want to travel the world. I've set my goal to step foot on every continent and I'm aching to get started.

But, my family is still in St. Louis/St. Charles. And I love my family. I couldn't live without them in my life. They are my rock. I want to be around to continue to get closer to my sister and be a great role model for my niece and nephew (who's also my godson). I want to be there for them when they need me. I want to teach them things about the world that they won't learn in school or from a book. I want to see them growing, not through pictures, but with my eyes. And I want to be there for my mom as she starts the next phase of her life. I owe her everything.

I guess the dilemma is that they are the only reason for me to stay in that area. I don't see a lot of job potential, or even potential for my own life. When I'm home and not with family, I feel a little useless and empty. Something holds me back there, and prevents me from doing what I want. It's like baggage. I don't understand it. Even when I work it only feels like a temporary distraction.

I don't know what to do. I need to find a balance, but I'm not sure what that means.

Now I'm going to celebrate this remarkable day of Independence with beer and explosives.

first one

2008-07-03T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hooray. I think I have too many of these things to count now. What's one more? Hopefully I'll remember to stick with this one and put up pictures and articles and stuff. Guess I'll find out.

I'm still in KC right now; I'm sticking around for the 4th. We never do anything at home for the holiday anyway. Saturday I'm heading home for the remainder of the summer. I guess it'll be ok. I'll be making money and hanging out with my growing family. Tyler's baptism is the first weekend in August and I can't wait to be a godmother!

There are several friends that I probably won't see for a long time after tomorrow. That really makes me sad, so I'm trying not to think about it.

I read in an article yesterday that city workers in Birmingham are going to shorten their work week down to four days in order to save energy. It's an interesting idea, but I don't think I fully understand.

I leave you with Demetri Martin.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HimlGFmKx0g
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BTsnDlpmE4w&feature=related